FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Look carefully at the B-17 and note how shot up it is - one engine dead, tail, horizontal stabilizer and nose shot up... It was ready to fall out of the sky. (This is a painting done by an artist from the description of both pilots many years later.) Then realize that there is a German ME-109 fighter flying next to it. Now read the story below. I think you'll be surprised ....

Charlie Brown was a B-17 Flying Fortress pilot with the 379th Bomber Group at Kimbolton, England . His B-17 was called 'Ye Old Pub' and was in a terrible state, having been hit by flak and fighters. The compass was damaged and they were flying deeper over enemy territory instead of heading home to Kimbolton.

After flying the B-17 over an enemy airfield, a German pilot named Franz Stigler was ordered to take off and shoot down the B-17. When he got near the B-17, he could not believe his eyes. In his words, he 'had never seen a plane in such a bad state'. The tail and rear section was severely damaged, and the tail gunner wounded. The top gunner was all over the top of the fuselage. The nose was smashed and there were holes everywhere.

Despite having ammunition, Franz flew to the side of the B-17 and looked at Charlie Brown, the pilot. Brown was scared and struggling to control his damaged and blood-stained plane.

BF-109 pilot Franz Stigler B-17 pilot Charlie Brown

Aware that they had no idea where they were going, Franz waved at Charlie to turn 180 degrees. Franz escorted and guided the stricken plane to, and slightly over, the North Sea towards England . He then saluted Charlie Brown and turned away, back to Europe . When Franz landed he told the CO that the plane had been shot down over the sea, and never told the truth to anybody. Charlie Brown and the remains of his crew told all at their briefing, but were ordered never to talk about it.

More than 40 years later, Charlie Brown wanted to find the Luftwaffe pilot who saved the crew. After years of research, Franz was found. He had never talked about the incident, not even at post-war reunions.

They met in the USA at a 379th Bomber Group reunion, together with 25 people who are alive now - all because Franz never fired his guns that day.

(L-R) German Ace Franz Stigler, artist Ernie Boyett, and B-17 pilot Charlie Brown.

When asked why he didn't shoot them down, Stigler later said, “I didn't have the heart to finish those brave men. I flew beside them for a long time. They were trying desperately to get home and I was going to let them do that. I could not have shot at them. It would have been the same as shooting at a man in a parachute.”

Both men died in 2008

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

BMW V8, Formula racers, Chryslers, Mercedes, Austin A30.

VALUED AT $35 MILLION DOLLARS.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY THE MAN AND HIS WIFE HAD FULL CLAIM
TO THE LOT!
THEY HAD A GREAT RETIREMENT!!!

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Your face is fine
Like cherry wine
surrounded by hair
Beyond compare
Your shapely legs
No mere pegs
We've seen your rear
It is ever so dear
Your lovely chest
Is full of breast
But Mercedes it seems
You have some high beams
Our passion would triple
If you showed full nipple
Not from a mile away
Let them out to play
Granted more shocking
Then just a stocking
Many a movie star
Has gone that far
Nothing obscene
Keep it quite clean
Trust this old vet
Your best set
So take off the bra
Point and say TA-DA
OR open your hand
The view would be grand
We've seen the rest
Now show us your best
This is the end of my plea
So I'll wait to see
This advice you take
Or tell me go jump in the lake

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally get's annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

Nah," says the little old Jewish man . . . "Costs too much!"

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... They kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

All puns intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
     "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
     "Is it common?"
     "Well, It's Not Unusual."

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,

    "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8 An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
     The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...   a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

A man decides he needs a drink in a bar on his way home from work. The place is dimly lit and seedy, but he takes a seat at the bar and orders a beer.

“You wanna hear a blonde joke?” he calls to the barman.

He becomes aware of someone approaching from along the bar. She is a striking blonde woman close on 6 feet tall.

“I’m a blonde,” she says. “I’m 5’11” and an Olympic kick-boxing champion.”

She moves aside slightly so he can see the blonde’s companion.

“She’s also a blonde,” the woman continues. “She’s about an inch taller than me and she’s a world record holder in weight lifting. Our friend…” the second woman allows a view of a third woman “is also blonde and 6 feet and is a championship boxer.

“Now do you still want to tell a blonde joke?”

The guy looks at all three.

“Not if I’ve got to explain it three times.”

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

A Woman walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can you give me a double entendre?"

He replies "Sure, I'll give you one!"